You Knew This Was Coming
by Numdenu
Summary: The second chapter of the cracked out fic...and this is WAY more random than usual! Featuring random skits that will continue, this is bound to hurt! Rated for swearing, innuendo, Repliku racism, etc. NOW WITH MINOR SHONENAI!
1. The chapter with Marluxia and Oathkeeper

You knew this was coming. YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING.

Oathkeeper: Whoop-dee-flippin'-doo.

Yes, that's right. KH2 has officially stolen my soul. You knew a ficlet was coming. And it's gonna be a helluva lot more random than the others.

Oathkeeper: (-sarcastic-) Oh, joy, we're going to get our brain cells depleted fifteen times faster now.

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In the beginning, there was Zexion.

He looked down on the void, and with the power of Nothingness, and a nice Swedish bank account, he created the first bookstore. He then used more of his godly powers of Nothingness and Cash to create the first otaku. She worked in the bookstore for him.

Zexion then created more otakus to run such necessary facilities as coffee shops, anime conventions, Gummi Ship garages, Home Depots, food processing plants, schools, fan clubs, Hawaii (kidding!), craft stores, sushi bars, music recording studios, medieval castles, and yes, more bookstores. The otakus (who do not include the authoress of this fic, BTW) were loyal, and honored him with every passing moment, even going so far as to coin sayings such as, "I'm bringing Zexy back".

But times change, and the myths of old are forgotten….

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"Gah!" Riku flipped through the channels on the TV, clearly displeased. "Why is there never anything good on?!"

"Well, you could take off that Deep Dive blindfold," suggested Sora, who was seated on the couch beside his friend.

"…I knew that." The blindfold was removed, and Riku skimmed through the channels again. "There's still nothing good on!"

"We could always watch a DVD…."

"Good idea." Riku threw down the remote in favor of another one. "What's in the movie library, Kai?"

Kairi scanned a towering shelf crammed with DVDs. "Well, let's see…Pirates of the Caribbean, PoTC 2…."

"I'm hungry," Sora groaned after a moment.

Riku shrugged. "No prob. HEY YOU!" He shouted to the kitchen. "GET SORA A SANDWICH, YOU LAZY BUM! MOVE IT!" There was a wail in response, followed by the sounds of movement in the kitchen area.

Sora blinked, confused. "Who's in there?"

"Eh, just my replica." Riku leaned back on the couch as nonchalant as if he was talking about what he had for lunch. Come to think of it, the replica probably made that for him, too.

"What? You hired your own replica as a sandwich maker?"

"More like forced, but yeah."

"Deathnote…oh wait, that's a manga," Kairi murmured, forgotten in the background. "Oh! Constantine! In Hi-Def, too!"

"Forced…." Sora trailed off. "If he's your replica, isn't that, well, I don't know, racist against yourself or something?"

Riku looked at his friend quizzically. "Why would I be racist against myself?"

"Well, your replica is making sandwiches, so…."

"Your mind is the strangest thing ever, Sora. And besides, you spend who knows how many hours a day bashing Heartless! Don't you think _that's_ a little racist?"

"Hey! It's not like I want to! They're always trying to kill me!"

"Well, what about Nobodies?"

"Uh, hello? ROXAS?"

"He doesn't count. He's you, after all."

"Axel. He turned good at the end!"

Kairi continued in the background, all but ignored. "Final Fantasy: Advent Children! Ooh! And Lord of the Rings!"

Riku sighed. "Okay, we don't need any of this. We both just need to stop this pointless argument before it gets out of hand."

"Why, Riku!" Sora gaped. "That's quite mature of you!"

"…So let's get straight to the DDR competition."

A sigh. "Nevermind…Butterfly?"

"You know it!" They left to begin their match.

And Kairi echoed in the background. "Hey! Kingdom Hearts 2! Oh wait…."

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"Check and mate!" Naminé moved her chess piece—a rook—with a huge grin on her face, trapping the white king.

Roxas stared at her. "Check and…what?"

"Check and mate," she repeated.

"…Mate?"

"It's not meant to cause innuendo, Rox."

"Oh…sorry. Well, in that case, good game." Roxas stood, smiling.

Naminé rose as well, surprised by his good sportsmanship. "Oh, you were good, too."

"Nah, I suck compared to you."

"Suck? You had me thinking I was chopped meat for fifteen turns straight!"

"You're just saying that to flatter me."

"W-well, you have a tight ass!"

"…I wha?"

"Oh, uh…" Naminé stuttered upon realizing what she had said. "Oh, don't mind me! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"…But you said I—"

"NEVERMIND!"

Roxas stared at her for a moment. "…Naminé? Are you…well?"

"Well? Of course! Never been better!"

"Because you're…starting to scare me."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you, _hot stuff_!"

"W-wha?"

"Uhh, y-yeah! H-hot!" Naminé feigned coughing. "I, uh, had some wasabi peas before you came over. Whoo! The hot kind, too! Really hot. My toothbrush smells like Axel's room, for Saïx's sake?"

"…Saïx's sake? Why Saïx?"

"I-it was just what came to mind….oh, listen to me. I'm a rambling fool. So sorry, honey…."

"Naminé?!" Roxas backed away. "D-did you just call me _honey_?!"

"Oh, uh, did I? Uhh…yeah, honey! I love honey! It's so rich and sweet! And I just love to eat it _in bed_!"

"B-bed? Naminé, are you—"

"Well, uh, it's sweetest in bed, I heard, uh…."

Roxas backed up more, making a thump noise as he hit the wall. "I-I know what you're trying to do! I KNOW!"

There was an uneasy silence that passed between them.

"…Oh, hell, you got me. Where's this bed you're talking about?"

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Despite the previous chaos, it was a lovely day in the frighteningly pink Garden of the Fruity Flower Fairy—AKA Marluxia. Number XI was seated under a sakura tree, apparently trying to get something to grow.

It was at this moment, Demyx entered. Marluxia was a busy Nobody, so he often paid Dem to water his garden while he was away at Castle Oblivion. It wasn't necessary while XI was on leave to return to the World That Never Was, but nonetheless appreciated.

Demyx stopped where Marluxia was working. "Umm, what are you doing?"

"Shhhhhh!" He was instantly hushed my Marluxia, who appeared to be focusing intently on something.

"…What are you doing?" Demyx whispered after a moment.

"I'm experimenting."

"Oh? On what?"

"Plants, dumbass. What else?"

"Well, what are you trying to do relating to plants?"

Marluxia hesitated for a moment. "Promise not to tell anyone?"

"Promise."

"Cross your heart and hope to die?"

"I don't have a heart, but okay…."

"Your Heartless, then."

"Don't know which one it is."

"Whatever. Pinky swear?"

"Pinky swear." The two laced their pinky fingers together and shook hands. "So what are you doing?"

"…I'm growing pocky."

"…Pocky?"

"Yep. Pocky."

"Oh, well, no wonder you don't want anyone to know. They'd eat it all."

Marluxia thought for a moment. "Yeah, either that, or they'd get jealous and make Axel torch my whole garden because they can't have any."

"Can I have some?"

"Maybe…but it hasn't sprouted yet." Marluxia went back to closely watching what he had planted, and Demyx joined him.

Nothing happened for a few hours. "…Marly? Pocky was never alive, nor is it made of plant material."

"Are you kidding?" Marluxia turned on Demyx. "Sugar is a plant product. Wheat, too, which is used to make the stick part. And chocolate is made from cocoa beans."

"Yeah, but a lot of manufacturing crap goes into making pocky. Chemicals and preservatives, too. Not to mention there's milk in chocolate."

"Milk? Larxene," Marluxia said casually.

Demyx did a double-take. "LARXENE?! Are you mad? Even if she was, well, _that_, she wouldn't give us milk! Before she was a Nobody, she was a member of an Amazon tribe. And I meant COW'S milk in the first place, dipshit."

XI looked intrigued. "Amazon tribe?"

"Yeah, a legendary one, too."

"Oh? What was it called?"

"Surely you've heard the many myths and tales of the famous…Piemess tribe!" Demyx recoiled as he said it.

"…Pie-mess?"

"No, pronounced like 'pee-em-ess'," Demyx corrected.

"Oh…OH!" The Light of Realization came from another fanfic and hit Marluxia over the head with a Sledgekitten. "Well, that makes sense. What doesn't is how we got this out of talking about pocky,"

"…I don't know, Marly. I don't know."

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Well, to the joy/horror of you others, I've decided to make this about a three-chapter ficlet. It's also going to be on DeviantART, with a unique ending for that site. So check it out when it's up.

Then again, these are just plans. They aren't definite. (-shrug-)

Oathkeeper: Please, make her stop!

…I just noticed you're a sentient Keyblade.

Oathkeeper: (-sarcastic-) Well, gee, THANKS A BIG ONE.

Whaddid I do?

Oathkeeper: Gah. Just end this before this Author's Note takes up a fourth of the fanfic.


	2. The chapter with Axel and Kaxdaj

And now I return to my…two…reviewers with another installment of more-cracked-out-than-usual goodness/horror!

Oblivion: Yay. Oh em jee. We're all going to die.

ZOMG RLY?!

Oblivion: No.

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One of the problems Zexion encountered while fabricating the world is whether or not he wanted an angelic workforce. They'd have to look good, whatever he created or hired. After all, they would REPRESENT him. They'd have to be loyal and obedient. He couldn't grab any otakus; the omniscient Zexion already knew someday they would turn on him. Angels, though, were too…overused. Everybody assumed that the presiding deity of a world used angels. And demons were overused by dark deities.

So, he thought, he'd make something new.

Zexion tried several times to create the perfect servant for him. Of course, just about everything went wrong. One mistake was a Narcissist Bull Jumper; another a worm Heartless that thrashed about for two minutes before kicking a rather large bucket, and a third became the thing known as Donald Duck. But still he tried, and tried his hardest.

…Well, there are some things even God can't do. Like create a perfect servant.

That's why Zexion created the human known as Even.

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Sora panted, resting his hands on his knees and staring at the DDR screen. "Exactly HOW many times have we used Butterfly?"

"Well," Riku sighed, "we're gonna keep at it until we don't get a tie."

"But would it be too much to switch to another song?!"

"Alright, alright…." Riku moved to switch the song, but his foot hit the wrong button. "Oh, SHIT."

"Great. Nice job. We're dancing to Butterfly AGAIN," Sora moaned.

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The Riku Replica was known by many different names in the fandom, but one of the most popular and simple was "Repliku". Henceforth, he shall be referred to as such.

And Repliku had a problem.

He didn't mind his duty as Sandwich Maker, really. Better than lying around on the floor of Castle Oblivion. Yes, the evil, glaring white walls of Castle Oblivion, owned by Org. XIII until it was taken over by a Keyblade with the same name. Funny, that.

But there was no more lunch meat. Which was bad, because he'd get beat with a pair of chopsticks, or worse…a telephone. He had to get more. Fast.

And what better way, he thought, to get somewhere fast than a Gummi Ship?

So, with this in mind, he strode out to the Gummi Ship and pulled on the door, expecting it to open.

Nothing.

Maybe it's one of those push doors, he thought.

Still nothing. Repliku was getting angry. He drew Souleater and began hammering away. And still no luck. So he paused for a moment to think this over.

The door was locked.

Keys opened doors.

So did Keyblades.

Repliku smirked. He just needed a Keyblade. And being a replica of THE Riku, he could theoretically just summon one.

Poof. There. Way to the Dawn. Easy as 3.1415. Repliku pointed the Keyblade at the lock, and with a flashy display, it popped open. He was in.

Now to start up this puppy. Repliku looked down at the ignition. Surely, if keys were used to start cars, wouldn't a Keyblade work as well? So he initiated another flashy display, and the Gummi Ship roared to life….

…For only a second. He tried again with the same result. Why didn't it start?! A third attempt again brought bitter failure.

…Keys stayed in the ignition while vehicles were on, no? Repliku dwelled on this for a moment before attempting to jam WttD into the miniscule ignition keyhole. Needless to say, it didn't fit.

Repliku was steaming. At this rate…he'd need the actual keys. No, no, couldn't be. He thought a moment longer…. The Ship had started up for a brief second with just the flashy beam. So if he had a way to maintain that beam….

A clamp would do the trick. With one holding the Keyblade in place, the beam could be fired constantly—Repliku had found a button labled "Auto" on it, no worries there—and the Ship would work.

With all this in place, he was finally ready to take off. He stared down at the control panel….

…And realized he didn't know how to drive.

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"Dammit!" Sora panted. "That's 125 times now! Stop pressing the wrong button!"

Riku glanced down at the dance mat. "…I, uh, forgot how to change songs."

"The ARROW BUTTONS?!"

"Oh." He tested them. "Oh yeah…. So what do we dance to now?"

"Dunno. Nothing good on here other than Butterfly."

A moment of silence passed before Sora thought of something. "This is a fanfic, right? Which means we can dance to songs that aren't really on DDR?"

Riku smirked. "Yes…yeeeesss…I have just the song!"

"What is it?"

"Oh, it's very _simple_, Sora," Riku said slyly. "…And _clean_, too."

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Roxas and Naminé were left staring at a blank spot. At last they murmured in unison: "…There's no bed…."

"Nope!" Someone completely covered in soot to the point of unrecognizability poked his head out of the pile of ashes that was once the missing piece of furniture. "I was bored, 'kay? Got it memorized?"

"Axel…." Roxas growled through gritted teeth. "What…are…you…doing here?"

"Burning stuff!" Axel chirped happily. "See? I made that hole in the wall!" He pointed to an artistically burned gap shaped much like a jellyfish. "Isn't it purdy?"

"OUT!" Roxas roared at his friend.

"What if I don't wanna?"

"OUT!!!!!"

"Nope. I know _exactly_ what you and Naminé were about to do, and I can't exactly let you! Got it memorized?"

Roxas was clearly pissed now. "I DON'T CARE! NOW **OUT!!!!!**"

"Alright, alright! Yeesh…."

Nothing happened.

"Well?" Roxas asked, his voice low and threatening.

Axel squirmed. "I-I'm stuck!"

"Oh for the love of…." Roxas reached over to try and yank his friend free. He came rather easily. "…You weren't stuck."

"So?" Axel popped up and wandered around, humming something that sounded suspiciously like Numa. Then he sang. Then he danced. Real pissed was an understatement of Roxas' mood.

"AXEL! SHUT UP! GET OUT!" But the pyro ignored him, scooping up poor Roxas and twirling him about, now humming cheesy tango music. "What are you--?! Stop! Put me down! AXEL!!!!"

Again he paid no heed. Seems Axel was really enjoying himself. Naminé just stared shellshocked as the twisted "dance" continued, complete with a flower held between the pyro's teeth.

Weirder by the second.

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"Sora? Exactly what sequence of events led to us dancing to One Winged Angel?"

"No idea. But keep going."

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Marluxia growled. "Someone's using one of my flowers. IN THEIR MOUTH!" He abruptly abandoned his pocky experiment and a confused Demyx and stormed off in search of the perpetrator.

Nothing else happened. Demyx was genuinely befuddled. Flabbergasted. Flaggerbasted. Whatever word you wish to describe him with. He was that. No, not _that_, you perv. The other "that."

Regardless, he was alone. With pocky. So tempting….

No! He must not give in to the pocky! Demyx turned away and busied himself with his sitar. He loved his sitar. Heck, he loved many things. His sitar, water, fish, amphibians, Atlantica, listening to Sanctuary backwards, rain, giant bananas, pocky, fangirls, thin fangirls in skimpy clothing, chicken, happiness, watching others make idiots of themselves, bratwurst, water parks, pocky, Gackt, making fun of "Mansex", pocky, watching TV, pocky, pocky….

"NUUUU! Not the pocky!" he cried aloud. He must not touch Marluxia's experiment! But so tempting….

"Deeemyyyyx…Deeemyyyyx…."

Who was that? The Nobody in question turned to the voice. From the ground….

"Deeemyyyyx…eat us, Demyx…you're sooo hungry, aren't you? Hungry for _pocky_…."

Now Demyx asked his question aloud. "Who's there?"

"It's ussssss, Deeemyyyyx…the pocky…."

"B-but pocky can't talk!"

"Deeemyyyyx…eat us, Demyx…love us for what we are…_pocky_…."

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"Stupid Rapid Thrusters! Git back to your own world!" A Dusk hurriedly shooed a horde of the aforementioned Heartless out of his bar. "Git! And don't ever come back, y'hear?!"

A Neo-Shadow seated at one of the tables looked up from his beer. "Well… 'at was excitin'," he slurred. An Assassin seated across from him nodded in agreement. "Now, where was we, Kaxdaj?"

The Assassin, Kaxdaj, pointed to the table, where cards were laid out. "It was your turn, Barbosa-san. Go fish."

"Mmmm." Barbosa hiccupped. "Gawsh, I'm so drunk I got mah a completely differen' accent. Couldja watch th' table whiles I go spill over?"

"No problem, Barbosa-san." Kaxdaj leaned back in his seat. Nice wallpaper, he thought, before dozing off.

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"Two hundred freaking DDR matches, and we're STILL tied?!" Sora stared at the screen in disbelief. "Is this thing broken?"

"Maybe," Riku mused, "we're both just too dang good for this difficulty level, eh?"

"But this is Heavy."

"…That _is_ a problem…."

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Oblivion: Mmm, yes, very nice and all that. May I retreat to my castle now?

Yeah, shure. But first help me pester these peeps to REVIEW! PLEASE!


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